You know what I love?

You know what I love?
Someone who tells you they like you and care about you, yet they don't seem to want to talk to you?
They come take care of you when you need help, and when they leave, pretty much no contact.

Yeah, it fucking hurts. I just want to know what I did wrong.

I guess I am overreacting? Yes, no?
I guess I will never know considering communication isn't important.

I am trying to say strong and not break down and cry.
It's soooo hard. When you catch feelings for someone, you think they are incredible. hmmm....
UGH! I just don't know what to say. I have tried reaching out.......


:(

So easy to write on paper.

Why is it that writing your feelings are so much easier than expressing them to someone in a healthy way? 

UGH! Its so hard. I feel unwanted in some manners. I reach out to show my love and compassion yet get nothing in return. It sucks.

I guess I will just stick it out and see how it goes :/ which freaking sucks.

Shortest blog yet..

Worry

So it has been awhile since I have posted. Here is an update since my last post.

1. Almost died from E Coli in my right kidney. I was in ICU for a week.
2. Work is going great!
3. BACK IN CHURCH!! :)
4. Have wonderful friends at that church.
5. I have an AMAZING boyfriend, Brendan. Whom I am sooo blessed to have.

Okay, so here is what is weighing in on my heart. I have come to see a lot of faults in my life right now. I am spending WAYYY to much time on Facebook, soo, I am deleting it tomorow. It is taking all of my attention away from my relationship with Brendan, taking focus away from work, and just ridiculous that I am always checking it for the next piece of drama for my entertainment. To be honest, it ruins relationships, friendships, and hell its just childish. I notice that I am constantly posting about what I am doing. Well, why does the world need to know that? So I am deleting it. People know how to get a hold of me so if they want to remain in contact, they know where to get at me.

My next flaw, I worry toooooo damn much. I worry what if people are mad at me, if I am accepted. Well, WHO GIVES A DAMN.
This past weekend Brendan was on a fishing trip with his father for his dad's birthday. I wasn't aware of this. I hadn't heard from him and got worried. "Was he hurt?""Was he mad at me?""I hope he is safe" I was worrying like no other, so I called and texted him. I should if took a step back and been like "Brendan is a 21 year old grown man, he is fine, if he was mad at me I know that he doesn't just ignore people" He isn't the kind of guy to ignore someone if he was mad at them. I should of remembered that and just had faith.
I received a text from him tonight basically saying that he was on a fishing trip and there was no reason for me to blow up his phone.........he was right. Because I let my fear and doubts get in the way, there is tension now. And I am kicking my ass for this.
I just have things to work on. I need to focus on the better in life and keep my eye on the positive and keep positive thoughts in my head.


My thoughts for the night. I am getting tired, so I will post more tomorrow.

Night y'all.

No More Wasted Time....

So last night, my Facebook got hacked by someone that decided they wanted to try and get me down. The following quote is what was posted on my Facebook for my friends to see 


      "Hi, my name is austin edgecombe. i am a worthless ugly fat ass cunt and i have no life. i am no good and no1 on the fucking earth luvs or want me. everyone want s me to go jump off a cliff. i look like a hippo and need to lose 400 pounds before anyone would want to look @ me."


I woke up this morning to 23 text messages and 11 missed calls wondering what was going on. I called one of my friends and they had told me that someone was posting things on my Facebook, I had numerous of friend's comment on the hacked status attacking the hacker for being a low-life and saying that those words were not true. The person (using my account) wrote back that "Austin needs to die, and she is ugly, and so on". 
When I read these posts, I just laughed. I was sort of flattered that someone would take soo much effort and time into hacking my account because they were jealous of my happiness. 
A lot of people were telling me "Hey Austin, when you find out who it is let us know so we can go beat their ass", nah, I will pass. See, I am better than them, and unlike them I don't want to waste my time. I have already wasted 3 years of my life with a man that faked everything, I have wasted time in my life with a man that is just a sperm donor and acts nothing life a father to me, and I have already wasted time on fake ass friends. 
I am done wasting my time. My time is important to me and I have recently made that my priority. I am talking to a wonderful man whom I have strong feelings for, and I don't want to ruin anything because I want to take my time and use it wisely, instead of jumping into anything. I have a job that I start tomorrow, and I will use my time wisely to learn the things I need to. I have school coming up which will need to be prioritized. 
So tell me....why on earth would I waste my time giving someone what they want. Not happening. I am better than that.


Thanks!! :)

Home.

So I am sooooo excited because my flight to Illinois is officially booked!! I don't know what I am excited about the most. Honestly, I think I am more excited to see my nephew Halo than anything else. I miss that little booger. I miss his smiling face and silly expressions. In exactly two weeks I will be back home seeing all of my friends and family. I know I have been gone for only a couple of weeks but when your best friend, nephew, and a few friends play a big part of your life, they are family and nothing makes a big hole in your heart like being away from family. Blood doesn't determine family. The fact that they are there for you and love you determines it. My father is blood but he acts nothing like family to me. See, I don't exactly have the most picture perfect family in the world but I have people in my life I would take a bullet for.

That's why I can't wait to be back. I know its only for a week but it will be the best week! I can't wait to get my bubba back into my arms and just give him the biggest hug ever! I can't wait. Now its a two week waiting game. I just gotta keep myself busy otherwise it will go by super slowly!! 

I just can't wait. Flying into Chicago on the 24th!! Spending the day there and going to Cards/Cub game that night and spending a whole week in Decatur. I never thought I would be this excited to be back home. I never felt like this when I lived in Nashville, I guess because I had family there it didn't bother me as much and I could just hop in the car and in 6 hours see my friends and family. It just KILLS me being 15 hours away. 

I don't know what I would do if anything drastic happened while being in Colorado and I can't be there. Thats what I am scared of the most. I think I will have a sense of calm come over me when I get there, some kind of closure when I see that people are doing well.

I decided I am going to surprise my grandparents. They don't know I am coming and I would love just to see the smile on their faces!!

Easter

So obviously, today was Easter. The day that Christ rose from the dead. I can't help but think how blessed I am to be where I am, and be who I am. I take a lot for granted, and I take my own life for granted. I have a loving mother that stops at NOTHING to make sure that me and my sister are provided for. I have an awesome little sister, whom, I fight with a lot.... I still love her no matter what and I will always protect her. I have loving grandparents....lots of grandparents. HAHA. Anyone that knows me knows what I am talking about. I have some amazing close friends back in Illinois. I miss them all so much.

This morning at 4:15am we left our condo to drive to an outdoor amphitheater in the mountains called Red Rocks. I was not in the best of moods because my sister and myself had gotten into a fight last night, and I was waking up at 3:30am to get ready in the freezing cold, to hike up a mountain, to sit outside for a couple hours..... I was complaining. I did not want to be there, I just wanted to be back in my warm bed. We got to the amphitheater and parked the truck, as I got out, I realized that we had to hike to get where we needed, which with the altitude that I am still not used to yet, and my weight combined....sucked. I was out of breathe and the thin cold air had a death grip on my lungs. As we finally made it to our seats, I looked out beyond the stage to the whole city of Denver up in lights, I could see some light from the horizon and I couldn't help but smile. I knew that this was going to be the best sunrise of my life! As I looked around as people began making way to their seats, I watched little ones all bundled up in their out of the norm Sunday norm choice of sweats, hoodies, and hats to prepare for the cold, I watched the ends of their mouths curl up as their parents handed them a nice cup of hot chocolate, and I watched the parents put their arms around each other, loving on each other as they soaked up the scene of God's beauty together.

I had taken everything for granted. I was taking the fact that I have the FREEDOM to worship where I got to today. This morning totally changed my mood.


I just wanted to have a shout out to those people in my life I have taken for granted.

Mom
Morgan Edgecombe
Sierra Banton
Chelsea Spice
Levi Banton
Halo and Kaidyn Banton
My grandparents
Lindsay Mohr
Danielle Jones
Courtney Moore
Hannah Joyner
Kyle Brandt
Amber Powell
Betty Burg
Julie Banton
Angie Roche
Betty Roche
Rick "Sarge" Martell
Andrew Eichel


I miss and love you all. I can't wait to see you guys in two weeks. I miss my friends like crazy and it breaks my heart being so far away from them.

Dancing Among the Angels.

So today a lot went through my head. Y'all might get sick of me talking about my daughter and my future family...but it has been on my mind lately. So here it goes...


Today, I went to my sister's college campus to spend some time with her. Her friend Sonya is going to stay the night with us tonight for Easter tomorrow because she lives in Texas and can't go home for Easter. So we decided to have some fun! :) We decided to go downtown to 16th Street Mall to enjoy ourselves. For those of you that don't know what 16th street mall it is a full length street in downtown Denver that is a pedestrian only street that is basically an outdoor mall, full of street performers, fresh smell of yummy food, and plenty of different kinds of people.


Anyways, Morgan, Sonya, and myself stopped at two street performers watching them playing the drums and having a blast! :) It was so awesome watching the smiles on their faces as they were enjoying their passion of music as they shared it with others! While I was watching the performers, I looked to my left at this little blonde girl whom looked like she was 1 1/2 years old. She was all dolled up in pink just enjoying herself as she held her mother's hand. As I was watching her she got lost into the beat and started bouncing up and down, dancing. I love watching little kids get enjoyment just from the little things in life. One day I will get to do that with my baby girl. Standing among the streets of gold, dancing to the voices of the angels, just enjoying being with each other. One day, I will get to do that. Finally see my daughter's smile and hear her laugh, run my fingers through her soft hair as I kiss her on the forehead and tell her "I love her forever, always, and a day". One day, I will get to join her but right now I can't help but fall in love with the idea that I have a beautiful little girl that is smiling and laughing right now, and I know that the Almighty one is looking after her and probably sitting her in timeout right now, because hey, it is MY child, and her father is no different.


Just a little thought. I know in a month its going to kill me because in a month it will be Mother's Day. It is going to kill me, but I have to stay positive. Anyways, today is a little shorter than my others.


Have a great Easter! :)