No More Wasted Time....

So last night, my Facebook got hacked by someone that decided they wanted to try and get me down. The following quote is what was posted on my Facebook for my friends to see 


      "Hi, my name is austin edgecombe. i am a worthless ugly fat ass cunt and i have no life. i am no good and no1 on the fucking earth luvs or want me. everyone want s me to go jump off a cliff. i look like a hippo and need to lose 400 pounds before anyone would want to look @ me."


I woke up this morning to 23 text messages and 11 missed calls wondering what was going on. I called one of my friends and they had told me that someone was posting things on my Facebook, I had numerous of friend's comment on the hacked status attacking the hacker for being a low-life and saying that those words were not true. The person (using my account) wrote back that "Austin needs to die, and she is ugly, and so on". 
When I read these posts, I just laughed. I was sort of flattered that someone would take soo much effort and time into hacking my account because they were jealous of my happiness. 
A lot of people were telling me "Hey Austin, when you find out who it is let us know so we can go beat their ass", nah, I will pass. See, I am better than them, and unlike them I don't want to waste my time. I have already wasted 3 years of my life with a man that faked everything, I have wasted time in my life with a man that is just a sperm donor and acts nothing life a father to me, and I have already wasted time on fake ass friends. 
I am done wasting my time. My time is important to me and I have recently made that my priority. I am talking to a wonderful man whom I have strong feelings for, and I don't want to ruin anything because I want to take my time and use it wisely, instead of jumping into anything. I have a job that I start tomorrow, and I will use my time wisely to learn the things I need to. I have school coming up which will need to be prioritized. 
So tell me....why on earth would I waste my time giving someone what they want. Not happening. I am better than that.


Thanks!! :)

Home.

So I am sooooo excited because my flight to Illinois is officially booked!! I don't know what I am excited about the most. Honestly, I think I am more excited to see my nephew Halo than anything else. I miss that little booger. I miss his smiling face and silly expressions. In exactly two weeks I will be back home seeing all of my friends and family. I know I have been gone for only a couple of weeks but when your best friend, nephew, and a few friends play a big part of your life, they are family and nothing makes a big hole in your heart like being away from family. Blood doesn't determine family. The fact that they are there for you and love you determines it. My father is blood but he acts nothing like family to me. See, I don't exactly have the most picture perfect family in the world but I have people in my life I would take a bullet for.

That's why I can't wait to be back. I know its only for a week but it will be the best week! I can't wait to get my bubba back into my arms and just give him the biggest hug ever! I can't wait. Now its a two week waiting game. I just gotta keep myself busy otherwise it will go by super slowly!! 

I just can't wait. Flying into Chicago on the 24th!! Spending the day there and going to Cards/Cub game that night and spending a whole week in Decatur. I never thought I would be this excited to be back home. I never felt like this when I lived in Nashville, I guess because I had family there it didn't bother me as much and I could just hop in the car and in 6 hours see my friends and family. It just KILLS me being 15 hours away. 

I don't know what I would do if anything drastic happened while being in Colorado and I can't be there. Thats what I am scared of the most. I think I will have a sense of calm come over me when I get there, some kind of closure when I see that people are doing well.

I decided I am going to surprise my grandparents. They don't know I am coming and I would love just to see the smile on their faces!!

Easter

So obviously, today was Easter. The day that Christ rose from the dead. I can't help but think how blessed I am to be where I am, and be who I am. I take a lot for granted, and I take my own life for granted. I have a loving mother that stops at NOTHING to make sure that me and my sister are provided for. I have an awesome little sister, whom, I fight with a lot.... I still love her no matter what and I will always protect her. I have loving grandparents....lots of grandparents. HAHA. Anyone that knows me knows what I am talking about. I have some amazing close friends back in Illinois. I miss them all so much.

This morning at 4:15am we left our condo to drive to an outdoor amphitheater in the mountains called Red Rocks. I was not in the best of moods because my sister and myself had gotten into a fight last night, and I was waking up at 3:30am to get ready in the freezing cold, to hike up a mountain, to sit outside for a couple hours..... I was complaining. I did not want to be there, I just wanted to be back in my warm bed. We got to the amphitheater and parked the truck, as I got out, I realized that we had to hike to get where we needed, which with the altitude that I am still not used to yet, and my weight combined....sucked. I was out of breathe and the thin cold air had a death grip on my lungs. As we finally made it to our seats, I looked out beyond the stage to the whole city of Denver up in lights, I could see some light from the horizon and I couldn't help but smile. I knew that this was going to be the best sunrise of my life! As I looked around as people began making way to their seats, I watched little ones all bundled up in their out of the norm Sunday norm choice of sweats, hoodies, and hats to prepare for the cold, I watched the ends of their mouths curl up as their parents handed them a nice cup of hot chocolate, and I watched the parents put their arms around each other, loving on each other as they soaked up the scene of God's beauty together.

I had taken everything for granted. I was taking the fact that I have the FREEDOM to worship where I got to today. This morning totally changed my mood.


I just wanted to have a shout out to those people in my life I have taken for granted.

Mom
Morgan Edgecombe
Sierra Banton
Chelsea Spice
Levi Banton
Halo and Kaidyn Banton
My grandparents
Lindsay Mohr
Danielle Jones
Courtney Moore
Hannah Joyner
Kyle Brandt
Amber Powell
Betty Burg
Julie Banton
Angie Roche
Betty Roche
Rick "Sarge" Martell
Andrew Eichel


I miss and love you all. I can't wait to see you guys in two weeks. I miss my friends like crazy and it breaks my heart being so far away from them.

Dancing Among the Angels.

So today a lot went through my head. Y'all might get sick of me talking about my daughter and my future family...but it has been on my mind lately. So here it goes...


Today, I went to my sister's college campus to spend some time with her. Her friend Sonya is going to stay the night with us tonight for Easter tomorrow because she lives in Texas and can't go home for Easter. So we decided to have some fun! :) We decided to go downtown to 16th Street Mall to enjoy ourselves. For those of you that don't know what 16th street mall it is a full length street in downtown Denver that is a pedestrian only street that is basically an outdoor mall, full of street performers, fresh smell of yummy food, and plenty of different kinds of people.


Anyways, Morgan, Sonya, and myself stopped at two street performers watching them playing the drums and having a blast! :) It was so awesome watching the smiles on their faces as they were enjoying their passion of music as they shared it with others! While I was watching the performers, I looked to my left at this little blonde girl whom looked like she was 1 1/2 years old. She was all dolled up in pink just enjoying herself as she held her mother's hand. As I was watching her she got lost into the beat and started bouncing up and down, dancing. I love watching little kids get enjoyment just from the little things in life. One day I will get to do that with my baby girl. Standing among the streets of gold, dancing to the voices of the angels, just enjoying being with each other. One day, I will get to do that. Finally see my daughter's smile and hear her laugh, run my fingers through her soft hair as I kiss her on the forehead and tell her "I love her forever, always, and a day". One day, I will get to join her but right now I can't help but fall in love with the idea that I have a beautiful little girl that is smiling and laughing right now, and I know that the Almighty one is looking after her and probably sitting her in timeout right now, because hey, it is MY child, and her father is no different.


Just a little thought. I know in a month its going to kill me because in a month it will be Mother's Day. It is going to kill me, but I have to stay positive. Anyways, today is a little shorter than my others.


Have a great Easter! :) 

Rather be hurt by the truth then be told a lie....

Yesterday, I was told some news out of the blue. I wasn't prepared. It shocked me and I was angry. For weeks it was being kept from me.
Thing is, I hate being lied to and things being kept from me. I would rather be told something and it hurt my feelings than be lied to or something being kept from me. It shows lack of trust and that hurts more than anything.
As much as the news killed me yesterday and I just wanted to forget about it. I cared too much about the person to just shut them out. I am a pretty forgiving person when it comes to some things. Under the circumstances I could understand why they wouldn't want to tell me, but it just hurt.

How is there supposed to be strength in relationships when things are being kept from each other. Friendships, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, and even marriages. Its not just the intimate kind of relationships that can get ruined, friendships can go down the drain too. I can't stand it when people avoid the truth because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings, you know what?! THEY MIGHT NEED IT. Ugh. Shit like that is what pisses me off.

Don't get me wrong, I am still pissed off and hurt, but I a lot about the person to just shut them out.


My rant for the day -_-

Hope for the Hopeless.

What brings you hope in life? What is your motivation? What do you think of when that little voice is telling you, you can't do it? What is your goal in life?


Yesterday, I had a depressing look into my life, but hey sometimes thats life. You have to get through it and look at things that have happened to you as a learning experience.

Everyone has their doubts in life. Everyone has that little voice in their head trying to hold them back.

Jobs: Everyone loves this subject!! ...not. Everyone dreads the idea of working 40 hours a week every week until you get old. ....Not the funnest idea to think of. The idea of committing your life to doing the same thing every day. Over and over. The job defines you, what kind of work ethic you have. Do you let your job encompass your life or do you let it be an every day thing. Is it a respectable career? How much money will you make? Will you be happy with the job?
For me this is a major doubt in my life being a college student. I have had that little devil in the back of my head saying, "you can't do it" or "your not smart enough". I remember those thoughts running through my head when I switched my major from Criminal Justice to Nursing. Nursing is not the easiest thing in the world...biology, chemistry, anatomy, number, and so much more. I would lie if I said I had no doubt in my mind I could do it. What keeps me going?
The thought of me being a nurse scares the shit out of me, but the idea of helping people sends chills down my spine of excitement. I can't wait for the days to take care of a little sick child, just to see them go home with a smile on my face. The look in a mothers eyes when I hand her the baby she has been waiting 9 months to see, and to know I was apart of that. The peace of a family coming together to take care of the one they love. I can't wait to be the change in peoples lives, to touch the hearts of everyone I meet, to bring a smile to a child's face when they are scared of the outcome.
I long for the days where I can be the change in the world, that's what keeps me going.

Love: Now I know for a fact EVERYONE has doubts about love. Who is it? When will it be? What will it be like? I had my doubts about love when my 3 year relationship ended. I was so sure I had found the man I wanted to be with. I thought I was so happy with him. The idea of my future husband encompassed me. Then it was all ripped away from me. Was I not pretty enough for him? What did I do wrong? Did I not please him enough? What did I do wrong?
Truth is, I didn't. I put so much into the relationship only to get nothing back.
What keeps me going? The idea of sharing my life and passions. Starting a family. Being happy. Those late nights with the man that I love, laughing about memories when we were little, laughing at embarrassing family photos. Quality time. Making sure that every moment counts in life with him. The idea of bringing a child into the world and showing them the beauty in God's world. Showing them life outside of the TV, and video games. Molding them to be a man or to be a woman. I dream of the day that I sit in a church on a Sunday morning with my husband, daughter, and son. My perfect little family, happy, and in love. Yes, to some it seems like a fairytale, but it doesn't hurt to have a dream to strive for?  Correct?

Okay! :) I am feeling a lot better about today's post than yesterday's. Makes me look foward to the future. Love and life, life and love.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

Look Through the Frame into my Life.

So this is my first post. I don't know exactly what to say. I have a lot on my mind but my fingers to a keyboard can only go so far. I am just going to let you know what is on my mind until my heart can't go any further.


Today, I have been thinking a lot about  my life and my future. 
I had an interview today and got hired right on the spot. I was ecstatic, a bolt of energy rushed through me as a sense of accomplishment ran through my body since moving to Denver 3 weeks ago. Yet, there was something holding me, if I can accomplish this, why can't I accomplish anything else in life. Suddenly that sense of accomplishment left my body as I all of a sudden became discouraged. 


I am a 19 year old female whom has failed a lot in the past year relationships, happiness, love, school, friendships, and a job. 


I have hurt many people and definitely a select few people, but I also have been hurt. I lost a 3 year relationship to a man whom I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with because he had such a wonderful "cover-up" to his feelings that I was inevitably in love with him and I couldn't wait to marry him. I lost my virginity to him at 18 years old in June of 2011 because he was the man I was going to marry, I was totally all about him, and he...."loved" me.


Truth is, I found out the hard way what his "love" was, his "love" was having a girlfriend but having another relationship on the side. I was torn apart, I lost all hope for love. A week after I found out, I took him back because I had a fairytale in mind, things would change, he loved me like I loved him, he told me he wanted to marry me, and that things would just get better from there because its just a "bump" in the road.


The week of November 7, I felt sick, I had body pains that I didn't know I could have. I got sick like I had never had before. I remember my best friend Sierra being worried sick for me as she constantly saw me in pain. She knew what was going on. November 11, 2011, I found out that at 19 years old....I was pregnant. I was 15 weeks pregnant with a little girl....but I had miscarried. I didn't know what to think, I felt alone, I felt worthless, I felt that God never wanted me to be a mother. Britley Nicole was her name, even though I never knew I had such a beautiful being growing inside of me, she was my new angel. 
Even though I hadn't known I was pregnant and the day I found out I had a miscarriage was the day I found out I was pregnant, I still felt a part of me was ripped away. 
I became a prisoner inside of my own body, and that is when the thought and doubts started rolling. Was this a sign I didn't need to be with AJ? Was this God showing me that even though I thought I loved him, it wasn't his plan for me? 
November 14, 2011, I went and received my D & C. I went by myself, I didn't tell a soul I went. I just wanted to be alone. I broke up with AJ 2 hours later. Even though I was heart broken, I felt it was needed.


After that week my life turned into a wild storm. I partied all the time and came home at 6 in the morning almost everyday, I had sex because I wanted to feel some sort of "love" and affection. I turned into the person that I hate. The person that shows no care in the world but themselves, selfish, rude, greedy, and so much more.


This 3 months of being someone who wasn't me...ruined me. I lost my job. I lost confidence. I lost dear friends, and I hurt friends. I hurt a guy who cared about me a lot, when I had feelings for him, but I myself wasn't 100% into it. 


My mom begged and begged me to move to Colorado with her but I always declined because I always let there be an excuse to say in Illinois, whether it be a boy, my friends, or my family. Yes, my family is an important thing but I really did need to make a change in my life.


After months and months of my mother begging at the end of February I finally agreed to move. I was sad but sort of excited at the same time.
I was sad because my best friend was pregnant with my second nephew and she could have him at any time and I really did not want to leave her, and I was excited because I needed a fresh new start on life.


March 7, 2012, Sierra brought my absolutely gorgeous nephew Kaidyn Gabriel Banton into this world. As I watched her and Levi look at him with smiles on their faces. I couldn't help but think of Britley...it broke me to think of her but if I would of still been pregnant with her she would have the kind of family that Kaidyn and Halo have, a loving man and woman in their life that are in love and have committed themselves to each other. That day when she had Kaidyn it gave me some sense of hope, that maybe one day I will be lucky enough to bring a child of my own into the world with my loving husband by my side holding my hand and kissing my forehead. That day was the day that I decided I wasn't going to play games with my life anymore. 

I wasn't going to play a game when it came to relationships anymore, I wasn't going to "look" for a man. I wanted to just be "led" to him. I was going take my time instead of "jumping" into a relationship.


One day I will find the man that will actually put effort into a relationship, see me as his best friend rather than something physical. Someone who will be happy to come home to spend time with me. Someone who I can laugh with and my abs hurt. Someone who I can run to with tears and get advice for the better whether it be something I want to hear or not.
I want to find the love where there are fights but they make it through. YES, I said fights because if there weren't arguments, things wouldn't get settled and it would not be a stable relationship. Someone who I can trust, and not have to worry about being away from them, a MAN who I can share my passions with in life. 
I want a MAN that I can be in his life, be apart of his family, and I want to be his cheerleader in life and push him to his best. Because that is what best friends do right? They push each other because they know the other has potential and has so much in them to succedd in life.


I want to find my best friend.




This, has made me happy. The sense of freedom to be me and to reconnect with my friends and mend the bridges that were broken. 


Time for a new me. A new start. A new fresh look on life.




"There is no such thing as a mistake, just a milestone in the road called life."


Side note: Britley, even though you are not here, I will see you one day and I will always be looking forward to the day that I meet you and I get to put my arms around you and kiss you. Keep your soccer cleats ready for mommy, be ready for some fun when we finally meet.