Look Through the Frame into my Life.

So this is my first post. I don't know exactly what to say. I have a lot on my mind but my fingers to a keyboard can only go so far. I am just going to let you know what is on my mind until my heart can't go any further.


Today, I have been thinking a lot about  my life and my future. 
I had an interview today and got hired right on the spot. I was ecstatic, a bolt of energy rushed through me as a sense of accomplishment ran through my body since moving to Denver 3 weeks ago. Yet, there was something holding me, if I can accomplish this, why can't I accomplish anything else in life. Suddenly that sense of accomplishment left my body as I all of a sudden became discouraged. 


I am a 19 year old female whom has failed a lot in the past year relationships, happiness, love, school, friendships, and a job. 


I have hurt many people and definitely a select few people, but I also have been hurt. I lost a 3 year relationship to a man whom I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with because he had such a wonderful "cover-up" to his feelings that I was inevitably in love with him and I couldn't wait to marry him. I lost my virginity to him at 18 years old in June of 2011 because he was the man I was going to marry, I was totally all about him, and he...."loved" me.


Truth is, I found out the hard way what his "love" was, his "love" was having a girlfriend but having another relationship on the side. I was torn apart, I lost all hope for love. A week after I found out, I took him back because I had a fairytale in mind, things would change, he loved me like I loved him, he told me he wanted to marry me, and that things would just get better from there because its just a "bump" in the road.


The week of November 7, I felt sick, I had body pains that I didn't know I could have. I got sick like I had never had before. I remember my best friend Sierra being worried sick for me as she constantly saw me in pain. She knew what was going on. November 11, 2011, I found out that at 19 years old....I was pregnant. I was 15 weeks pregnant with a little girl....but I had miscarried. I didn't know what to think, I felt alone, I felt worthless, I felt that God never wanted me to be a mother. Britley Nicole was her name, even though I never knew I had such a beautiful being growing inside of me, she was my new angel. 
Even though I hadn't known I was pregnant and the day I found out I had a miscarriage was the day I found out I was pregnant, I still felt a part of me was ripped away. 
I became a prisoner inside of my own body, and that is when the thought and doubts started rolling. Was this a sign I didn't need to be with AJ? Was this God showing me that even though I thought I loved him, it wasn't his plan for me? 
November 14, 2011, I went and received my D & C. I went by myself, I didn't tell a soul I went. I just wanted to be alone. I broke up with AJ 2 hours later. Even though I was heart broken, I felt it was needed.


After that week my life turned into a wild storm. I partied all the time and came home at 6 in the morning almost everyday, I had sex because I wanted to feel some sort of "love" and affection. I turned into the person that I hate. The person that shows no care in the world but themselves, selfish, rude, greedy, and so much more.


This 3 months of being someone who wasn't me...ruined me. I lost my job. I lost confidence. I lost dear friends, and I hurt friends. I hurt a guy who cared about me a lot, when I had feelings for him, but I myself wasn't 100% into it. 


My mom begged and begged me to move to Colorado with her but I always declined because I always let there be an excuse to say in Illinois, whether it be a boy, my friends, or my family. Yes, my family is an important thing but I really did need to make a change in my life.


After months and months of my mother begging at the end of February I finally agreed to move. I was sad but sort of excited at the same time.
I was sad because my best friend was pregnant with my second nephew and she could have him at any time and I really did not want to leave her, and I was excited because I needed a fresh new start on life.


March 7, 2012, Sierra brought my absolutely gorgeous nephew Kaidyn Gabriel Banton into this world. As I watched her and Levi look at him with smiles on their faces. I couldn't help but think of Britley...it broke me to think of her but if I would of still been pregnant with her she would have the kind of family that Kaidyn and Halo have, a loving man and woman in their life that are in love and have committed themselves to each other. That day when she had Kaidyn it gave me some sense of hope, that maybe one day I will be lucky enough to bring a child of my own into the world with my loving husband by my side holding my hand and kissing my forehead. That day was the day that I decided I wasn't going to play games with my life anymore. 

I wasn't going to play a game when it came to relationships anymore, I wasn't going to "look" for a man. I wanted to just be "led" to him. I was going take my time instead of "jumping" into a relationship.


One day I will find the man that will actually put effort into a relationship, see me as his best friend rather than something physical. Someone who will be happy to come home to spend time with me. Someone who I can laugh with and my abs hurt. Someone who I can run to with tears and get advice for the better whether it be something I want to hear or not.
I want to find the love where there are fights but they make it through. YES, I said fights because if there weren't arguments, things wouldn't get settled and it would not be a stable relationship. Someone who I can trust, and not have to worry about being away from them, a MAN who I can share my passions with in life. 
I want a MAN that I can be in his life, be apart of his family, and I want to be his cheerleader in life and push him to his best. Because that is what best friends do right? They push each other because they know the other has potential and has so much in them to succedd in life.


I want to find my best friend.




This, has made me happy. The sense of freedom to be me and to reconnect with my friends and mend the bridges that were broken. 


Time for a new me. A new start. A new fresh look on life.




"There is no such thing as a mistake, just a milestone in the road called life."


Side note: Britley, even though you are not here, I will see you one day and I will always be looking forward to the day that I meet you and I get to put my arms around you and kiss you. Keep your soccer cleats ready for mommy, be ready for some fun when we finally meet.